I’m a human first. All other attributes fall in second and should not affect the way someone decides to treat me, especially in the way that I am pursued romantically or sexually.
“Fetish” has two definitions, one sexual and one nonsexual. The first is “to make (something) the object of a sexual fetish” and the second is “to have an excessive and irrational commitment to or obsession with (something).”
I’ve been fetishized as a black woman my whole life, but in my younger years, it was nonsexual.
Although I went to a pretty diverse church and school, I found myself being the only black child in many of my extracurricular activities. I was a token rather than a person, almost like a specimen to be fascinated with. I was plagued with questions and fascinations regarding my hair, my skin tone, and my dialect.
“What are you?”
These were the beginnings of a cultural and racial identity crisis that I wouldn’t overcome for years to follow.
I was fetishized by the black men within my church who claimed me for their sons, mostly because I was the only light-skinned girl in my age group. Even as a young girl, I found it funny, this obsession with my skin color, but it didn’t really bother me until the end of middle school into high school.
In high school, I was mostly involved with white guys, and such has been the case at Southern as well. Within these relationships—or whatever they were—I have never failed to encounter phrases such as “you’re pretty for a black girl” (as though I can’t just be pretty for a woman, if we’re needing to throw a requisite in there) or “I’ve never dated a black girl before” (uh,thanks for treating me like a new flavor of ice cream you’ve finally decided to try out).
I’ve had guys of all races criticize me for not being black enough or commend me for being “so well-spoken and well-mannered” as though all black women are expected to speak and act as though we’re ratchet and ignorant. Underneath these comments of mannerism and speech lie presupposed ideas that make “educated” mean “white,” subjecting minority culture to the default of uneducated.
Guys of all races complain about how “fake” the black female body is with our weaves and makeup and nails, yet there is no dissent when individuals like the Kardashians spend money on the mimicry of our curves and lips, only praise.
When mimicked, attributes originally owned by the black female body are no longer seen as undesirable but are worshipped because the problem doesn’t lie in what we have, but who we are based on our race. The problem is rooted in racial prejudice and the objectification of the black female body, which started when we became slaves. So essentially, I request you not think to pursue a black woman because she is black, but because she is human. We’re human first; not specimens to be transfixed by.